Dear Canada
How are you doing? I understand if you’re just a little hurt that you didn’t get that seat on the Security Council you were angling for, so we feel we owe you an explanation.
Boy, this is a hard letter to write. We know that your feelings are easily hurt, but this is something you have to hear, so here goes — Canada, you’re just not the country you used to be.
Now, don’t get us wrong. We still love you; heck, half of us would move to your place if you’d let us. But you’ve changed. You’re still one of the nicest countries we know, and still pretty popular. You can always be counted on to pay your dues and help out around the place.
But you’ve changed.
Remember when you used to wear those adorable blue berets and go all around the world keeping people from killing each other? That was your idea, wasn’t it. That nice Mike Pearson — with that adorable bow tie and lisp — came up with the whole peace keeping thing, and you really made that your own. But now, well, you’re the ones doing the killing. We understand why (and, to be honest, a lot of us are secretly quite glad that you stepped up to the plate and not us — that Afghanistan is bru-tal), and we support you. But we just liked you better when you were everybody’s buddy.
And another thing. We’re not that wild about the crowd you run with now.
That Stephen Harper guy you’re living with these days? He’s about as warm as a Norwegian winter. I mean, what do you see in that guy? He’s nasty. Whatever happened to that Trudeau fellow you lived with for so long? We all loved him. Even that guy who could barely speak English, and that guy with the huge jaw were better than this Harper fellow. (And by the way, we know how much your guy Harper loves the U.S.A., but they didn’t do a thing to help you get the seat. They may not be quite the friend you thought they were. And why are you so tight with Israel? Nobody likes those guys.)
There were other reasons, too. You haven’t been very generous to Africa. And you reneged on the Kyoto accord (remember that one?). Some of your people don’t seem fully onboard with the whole global warming thing. And remember when your guy Harper skipped out on a chance to address the UN in favour of some sort of photo op at a place called Tim Hortons? Who is this person, and why was he more important than us? Believe me, we don’t forget that kind of stuff.
A lot of us were feeling kinda bummed that you didn’t win. But when your guys blamed some guy named Michael Ignatief (what is he, Russian?) for the loss — some guy we had never heard of — well, that just confirmed that we made the right decision.
You’re just not the country you used to be. We’re sorry, but it’s true. And to be honest, we don’t think you know what kind of country you want to be anymore.
Anyway, we still love you. Just not in the same way.
Peace,
The United Nations

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