Well, here it is, another 365-day block that we have arbitrarily termed “a year”. It is a time to reflect on my personal accomplishments of the past 12 months. I shall now pause for a few moments to reflect…

OK, done. Man, that was depressing.

Also at this time of year, we like to look ahead to the new year, and to make resolutions to improve our lives.  I’ve done this many, many times, and have never, ever kept any of my resolutions. It’s hard being a better person. I mean, I am what I am, and what I am is a middle-aged guy stumbling blindly through life hoping that he’s doing the right thing. But hey, there’s always hope. Which is why we make resolutions.

Here, then, are my New Year’s Resolutions for 2011:

1. I resolve to lose 10 pounds.

2. I resolve to set more realistic goals for myself.

3. I resolve to lose 5 pounds.

4. I resolve to use the metric system more.

5. I resolve to lose 2.26796 kg.

6. I resolve to begin a daily exercise program.

7. I resolve to create a list of days that I will exempt myself from my daily exercise program, beginning with New Year’s Day. Also my birthday. And my wife’s birthday. And my three sons’ birthdays. Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. Christmas and Boxing Days. Labor Day. Canada Day. Martin Luther King Day. Flag Day. Kwanzaa. Eid. Easter. Good Friday. In fact, all of Lent. Days when I’m feeling “a little logie”. Days when “I’m not quite myself”. Otherwise, every single day.

8. I resolve to Tweet more often. For some reason, I now have 166 Twitter followers. This is strange, in that I don’t have 166 friends. In my entire lifetime, I have not had 166 friends collectively. But I hate to disappoint, so be prepared for lots of Tweets along the lines of “Where did the weekend go?” and “Having a Big Mac at McDonald’s. Not as good as I remember.” and “I have nothing to Tweet about.”

9. I resolve to blog more often. But only If I’ve got a good topic. Nothing is worse than a blog that goes on and on without a real topic, just filling space because the writer feels some sort of obligation to write in the certainly vain hope that somebody, somewhere, might be reading, and that he’ll see that little blip on the WordPress stats that shows that maybe 25 people have visited his site, giving him the will to go on for another week of writing. Or so I’ve heard.

10. I resolve to only blog about things when I have a genuine insight into something, not just the usual blog blather about mundane things that happen to everyone. For example, this week I had a stomach flu, which was the WORST FLU OF ALL TIME. Seriously. It took more the better part of THREE DAYS to fully recover from it. It was one of those ones where you have watery diarrhea and violent vomiting, sometimes AT THE SAME TIME. I lost about 2.4 kg, but of course, that was all water weight, and I’ve since put it all back on. But seriously. Worst. Flu. Ever. But not something to blog about.

11. I resolve to improve the quality of my TV watching, by eliminating the trash and only watching the good stuff. PBS mostly. Lots of Discovery channel. Maybe a little CBC.

12. I resolve to blog regularly about The Bachelor. I can’t wait to see how the women react when they see it’s Brad Womack again! They are going to freak!

13. I resolve to do less downloading and more buying. The artistic community deserves fair compensation for all the pleasure they give us. This does not apply to big budget films from Hollywood, ‘cause they’re all rich anyway and won’t notice.

14. I resolve to watch more Hollywood films.

15. I resolve to be a kinder, gentler writer and human being. Exemptions include: if somebody crosses, insults, irritates, or irks me.

16. I resolve to come up with a much better New Year’s resolutions list next year.


One thought on “The obligatory New Year’s Resolution blog.

  1. OK, I hardly EVER laugh out loud when I am reading something, maybe once every five years, but this column made me give an audible chuckle, several times. My New Year’s Resolution is to read your blog more often.

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