Hello, Seattle! On behalf of the citizens of Edmonton, I’d like to welcome you to the cast of As The Oilers Turn, a continuing soap opera that has been a fixture for Edmonton audiences for many, many seasons.

As The Oilers Turn has captivated Edmonton audiences since it was first created by former Edmonton Oilers owner Peter Pocklington. Under Pocklington’s direction, ATOT reached its zenith (pronounced zen-ith here, not zee-nith) when Pocklington brought in the city of Houston to play the role of a vixen, a sexy city that came close to consummating a marriage with the Oilers. Eventually, Houston (or was it Dallas?) was cast aside and the Oilers returned to the loving embrace of the citizens of Edmonton.

After several years of low-key story lines, ATOT has returned with a vengeance. It’s a ratings smash under new director Daryl Katz, a figure so reclusive, there are some people who believe he doesn’t exist. Personally, I think he will eventually be revealed to be Peter Pocklington’s more-evil twin, but that’s just my view.

To bring you up to date, Seattle, Katz is embroiled in a fierce struggle to build a new home for his team. Katz, an alleged billionaire, apparently just can’t afford the $450 million or so to build the new palace (sound familiar?) and he wants the city to chip in. An agreement was reached, but in true evil-twin fashion, Katz threw in more demands, and the city balked. Now, the whole thing is in limbo, with an imaginary clock ticking.

This is where you come in, Seattle. In order to keep the plot moving forward, Katz needs a dupe, a tease. Now, I know you’ve already got your own arena-themed soap opera going, The Young and the Sonic-less, which involves the search for a replacement for your lost NBA team, the Sonics. You may be wondering how can you possibly play a role in two long-running soap operas?

Well, sweetheart, don’t worry. You’re part is a cameo, a walk-on. Earlier this season, Katz tried out Hamilton in the tease role, but bringing in Hamilton as a love interest is like casting Rosie O’Donnell in the part. Quebec City was brought in as the tease, looking to add a little French ooo-la-la spice to the plot, kind of like Don Draper’s French-Canadian wife. Quebec City made only a brief appearance, and then was forgotten. Oh, she could still be brought back in, but don’t worry about it.  She’s smokin’ hot, and would welcome the Oilers into her bosom, but she doesn’t have any kind of decent arena to play in right now. And with a new separatist government in Quebec, moving the Oilers to Quebec would also mean Katz would have to move out of Edmonton — or maybe the entire country.

So, Seattle, what’s your role?

Simple. Just look pretty. Smile seductively and show a little cleavage (or a lot of cleavage, if you’re into it). You’re gorgeous, and everyone knows it. Just be you. Sure, you might have to learn a few lines, something like “the city of Seattle would be delighted to welcome an NHL team”, but that would be it. Your role is to get the Edmonton media in a lather (it’s so easy to do, it’s almost embarrassing) and panic the public (also shamefully easy).  You will not be getting an NHL team, at least not the Oilers. It’s all a ruse, a sham, a scam.

It’s As The Oilers Turn, baby. Welcome to the show.

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