INTERNAL MEMO TO THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION
Urgent: Response to latest ‘incident’
As you all know, the NRA is facing another situation due to the over enthusiastic application of the right to bear arms by a young man in the Connecticut area.
In the past, when our constitutionally protected means of self-protection were misused (Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, etc.), the NRA found a way to successfully finesse the situation, with the great assistance of our political arm, the Republican Party. But the events in Sandy Hook are proving to be somewhat more problematic, due to the relative immaturity of many of those whom the media insists on calling “victims”. (Side note: we need to come up with a less inflammatory term for ‘victim’ in time for the next incident. Perhaps ‘the involuntarily involved’ might work. Just thinking out loud here.)
As you know, the NRA has opted for a low profile until the situation calms down somewhat. I believe this is our best strategy, what with Christmas coming to provide a distraction. But still, the issue must be addressed, particularly in light of the fact that some members of the Republican Party are beginning to distance themselves from our organization. (Perhaps it’s time we distanced them from some of our political donations? Again, just thinking out loud here.) So, on Friday, we will be addressing the issue.
First, of course, we will express our horror and revulsion at the events in Sandy Hook. I suggest we use Template #4 for this occasion. Then, I strongly feel that we must make some concrete suggestions as to how to prevent such an event from occurring in the future.
First, of course, we must emphasize that the Second Amendment is still our greatest amendment. Second on the list, first in our hearts, I always say. But after that, we must make some offers to placate the public.
I suggest we begin the process of putting the blame on undiagnosed mental health issues. It is universally accepted that you have to be crazy to gun down a room full of children; let’s use this to our advantage. Therefore, I suggest the NRA kick-start a campaign to provide millions of dollars to mental health initiatives to help detect potentially unstable gunmen before they do further damage to the NRA. Perhaps a modest surcharge on all assault rifles — say, $5 a weapon — could be voluntarily levied to raise funds for mental health awareness. I project that in one year that should raise roughly $57 million.
Second — and this is a bold step — I suggest we agree to some limits on cartridge capacity. Perhaps a 30-cartridge magazine could be reduced to 15? We should express our openness to dialogue on this matter.
Finally, we must address the elephant in the room — all of the perpetrators of mass shootings are mentally ill or just plain depressed young males. Therefore, we must vigorously attack this problem. First, we should insist that any young male buying a firearm be required to fill out a comprehensive, two-question form, with questions such as: 1) How are you feeling today? 2) Do you have any intention of using this weapon for anything other than defending the homeland against enemy invasion? If the answer to question no. 2 is ‘yes’, we should propose a 24-hour cooling off period before a purchase can be completed.
And finally, here is my most controversial recommendation, one that is sure to cause much discussion amongst our membership: all assault weapons should, effective in 2013, be colored pink. Young men would not be caught dead with a pink AK-47, and I believe this will be the greatest deterrent to future incidents.
Members, be prepared for a rough couple of weeks. We’ve been through this before, and we’ll go through it again. In the meantime, keep your heads down.
God bless America.