The Return of Stuff Happens, week 34: Dear Earth …

Dear Earth:

This is a difficult letter for us to write, but something has to be said.

Are you mad at us? I mean, seriously, seriously angry? It sure seems that way.

I mean, just look at your attitude of late. You sent a hurricane named Harvey to batter poor old Texas with levels of water never seen before. I’m mean, c’mon, earth! What has Texas ever done to you?

OK, bad example.

But while Texas was mopping up, you decided to send the biggest Atlantic hurricane ever recorded to shred some poor little innocent islands that nobody has ever heard of before. And then you sent that same hurricane to pummel Florida. Is this revenge for how Florida voters somehow managed to vote for George W. Bush instead of Al Gore? I mean, c’mon, Earthy, that was years ago!

Oh, and that Mexican earthquake? Seriously? Mexico? Don’t those people have enough trouble with having to build somebody else’s wall? Gawd, lighten up!

Then there’s the forest fire situation in B.C., which is like an extended bout of explosive diarrhea. You are aware that British Columbia has more tree huggers than anywhere else in Canada, right? And you’re trying to burn them out? Sheesh.

And don’t think we haven’t noticed the worst monsoon season in memory, way over there in India and surrounding countries. OK, we haven’t really noticed it all that much, what with your hurricanes and all. But 1,400 people have been killed. Whatever your point is, Earth, you’ve made it.

Is it this whole climate change thing? That’s it, isn’t it? If that’s it, we’re sorry. Really, really sorry. Well, not everybody is sorry. But you’ve made your point. We’ll try to turn the thermostat down a couple of degrees, but it will take a while. Maybe, oh, I dunno … a few decades. You OK with that, Earth?

Seriously. We get the message. Just cool off (pun intended), and let us fix this thing.

Sincerely,

Humanity

RIP

Don Williams, 78,  a singer of heartfelt country ballads who emerged as one of the biggest stars in country music during the late 1970s. His hits include You’re My Best Friend, Lord, I Hope This Day Is Good, and Tulsa Time. He had 52 Top 40 hits on the country charts … Troy Gentry, 50, of the popular country duo Montgomery Gentry. He was killed in a helicopter crash… Noel Picard, 78, former NHLer with the Montreal Canadiens, St. Louis Blues and Atlanta Flames

Advertisements