On Thursday night, the first United States presidential debate will air on CNN (for those of you who do not subscribe to CNN, you can see it on CTV News Network and CBC Newsworld.) Nobody knows how it will go, but it’s safe to say that MOST American voters will be asking themselves the same question …
“Oh my God, is this the best we can do?!?!?”
I’ll be watching, with my hands in front of my eyes the way I used to watch scary movies when I was a kid. I anticipate some truly hilarious moments, but it will be more horror than comedy.
Despite its recent descent into polarized near anarchy, the U.S. is still the world’s most vibrant, most important democracy. But the U.S. is facing a choice between the oldest president ever, and the second oldest president ever. When Ronald Reagan was president, he was derided as being too old. But after serving two terms, he was still younger than both Biden and Trump.
So on Thursday, two old men who are both clearly not fully in charge of their faculties will yell at each other for 90 minutes. It’s going to be painful, like watching George Foreman box George Chuvalo. And I mean today’s George Foreman and George Chuvalo.
If you find the whole spectacle just too depressing to watch, and I don’t blame you, let me tell you how it will turn out, at least according to the talking heads on the left (MSNBC) and the right (Fox).
- Joe Biden will move very, very slowly. Someone on Fox News will suggest, in all seriousness, that Biden has the same stiff person syndrome that afflicts Celine Dion. An MSNBC commentator will say Biden proceeded across the stage with “presidential dignity”.
- At some point, Biden will take 10 seconds to think about an answer to a question. Fox News will say that Biden had a mini-stroke, or just was too stunned to respond to the brilliance of Donald Trump’s logic. MSNBC will say it’s refreshing to see a politician who pauses to think before answering, not like Donald Trump.
- If Biden seems alert and aggressive, MSNBC will call it proof that the president has full control of his faculties; he will be called “feisty”. Fox News will suggest that Biden is on drugs, possibly cocaine (they have suggested this in the past).
- Trump will go on a baffling rant about something nobody understands, like his complaint that people are flushing their toilets 10 or 15 times. Fox News will say that Trump is fighting for the rights of Americans to take a dump without fear of double flushing. MSNBC will suggest that if Trump has to flush 10 or 15 times, he should see a gastroenterologist.
- Trump will say America is in “bad, very bad” shape, and that only he can save it. MSNBC will say he has a messiah complex. Fox will suggest that maybe he is the messiah.
- Moderator Jake Tapper will directly ask Trump about something especially incendiary he has said, and Trump will say “I never said that.” Tapper will ask Biden about something he has said, and Biden will say, “I said that?”
Who will win the debate? Only time, and your own eyes, will tell.
But I do know who the losers will be, and there are 330 million of them.
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