The Pain Campaign, week 4: Nothing happens, so I make some stuff up

The interminable Canadian election campaign  is now one-month old. In the pre-Harper days, the election would have been over by now, and we would all be celebrating the end of the Harper horror show (let us pray). But thanks to Harper’s shameless manipulation of the system, the campaign has barely begun, and I am deeply regretting my decision to write a weekly recap. Oh, stuff is happening, alright. But we are into the melancholy last days of summer, as the nights get cooler and last longer. Back to school shopping kicks into high gear and Canadians begin to worry about what kind of winter we’re going to have. Who we’re going to vote for in October is the least of our concerns.

But the show must go on, and frankly, I’m kinda bored. So this week, I’m just making up a bunch of crap that we can expect in the coming weeks, mixed in with a dollop of true stuff that seems so crazy, you’d think somebody made it up.

Conservative leader Stephen Harper will announce a 0.025% tax credit for colour blind people, the 87th different Conservative tax breaks for “hard-working Canadian families”. Other breaks include tax breaks for families with fat kids, families with more than 2.5 kids,  couples who don’t have kids but are thinking about it, and parents of adult children who move back home.

Conservative leader Stephen Harper, speaking at a campaign stop in Aylmer, Que., will announce that Canadian dairy farmers will continue to be shielded from international competition with huge tariffs on foreign dairy products. “I vow to keep Canadian dairy products safe from incursions from insidious New Zealand milk,” Harper will tell dairy farmers. Later in the day, Harper will announce another micro-tax credit for parents of children who drink milk.

The actor who spouts the now-famous line “Nice hair, though” in Conservative attack ads aimed at Justin Trudeau will reveal his career has been ruined by the ad. Gungadeep Pravadavabumbaay, a trained classical actor who has played the title role in an all-Hindi version of Hamlet, will say he can’t get work since the ad began airing thousands of times on Canadian TV. “Nobody wants to hire me now,” moans Pravadavabumbaay. “People really hate that ad, and they blame me. Yesterday, an old lady hit me with her umbrella, saying she can’t even watch Wheel of Fortune anymore.” Meanwhile, Conservative leader Stephen Harper, speaking at Stratford, Ont., will announce a tax credit for Indian actors who can’t find work. It is estimated that the tax break will help upwards of one actor.

Liberal leader Justin Trudeau will decry the Harper government’s eight consecutive deficit governments, moments before announcing that he plans to run up deficits for a few years. Oh wait, this one is true.

And finally, match the quote with the leader: “The best way for a government to create wealth is to leave the free market alone and get off the back of businessmen and businesswomen.”

Was it a) arch conservative Stephen Harper; b) free spending Liberal leader Justin Trudeau; c) leftist New Democrat leader Tom Mulcair.

The correct answer is c), Tom Mulcair. The so-called socialist leader said that in the Quebec National Assembly in 2001. He even praised former British PM Margaret Thatcher, reviled by the left, as saving England from a government that had “gotten its nose into everything.”

Again, I am NOT making this up.

 

 

 

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