The line starts here. But why?

I am an impatient man. Just ask anyone who knows me. But make it quick.

For example, I will not wait in line. For anything. A ‘line’ to me is any more than three people. I’ll walk out of a store with my shopping cart full before I’ll wait in line. The last time I waited in line was in the early days of COVID-19, when I was quite sure I had the virus. It went to a drive-through testing site which took me about two hours to get through. Wouldn’t you know it, all that waiting and I came up negative.

So it amazes me when I see people waiting in long lines on their own volition. You see it when Apple introduces a new product; the nerd herd comes out in force to be the first to be gouged by Apple. Or when the Oilers hold autograph sessions at West Edmonton Mall. 

Three recent examples left me shaking my head at the inexplicable patience people have for waiting in line. 

First, a cookie store opened in Edmonton last month. It’s called Crumbl (that’s the correct; very trendy spelling), and it’s the fastest growing chain of dessert shops in the U.S. In just six years, Crumbl has opened more than 750 stores, selling nearly a million cookies a day. And at about $5 a cookie.

I had never heard of Crumbl, but apparently, a lot of people had. The company has a huge social media presence, announcing its weekly cookie flavours on TikTok (which explains why I was unfamiliar with Crumbl). Crumbl chose Edmonton for its first international store, and judging from the mania that surrounded its opening, they made a good choice. (Shops are coming to Calgary and Red Deer, if you’re interested.)

On the day of its opening March 31st, people were lining up at 4 a.m. During the day, the lineup stretched throughout the shopping complex where Crumbl is located on Rabbit Hill Road, with hundreds upon hundreds of people waiting in line for hours. And all to spend $5 or more on a cookie (OK, it is a BIG cookie). They could, of course, just have waited a few days and bought their cookie within minutes. But the desire to be the first people in Canada to buy a Crumbl cookie was just too great. And did I mention that the cookie costs FIVE DOLLARS?

While waiting for hours in line for a cookie is a terrible life decision, it is still better than waiting in line to get into Zellers.

Remember Zellers? Apparently, a lot of Canadians do. And they remember it with more fondness than they displayed when Zellers was actually in business. (One guy in Edmonton got a Zeller’s tattoo. The ladies will love that.)

As you’ve heard, the Bay is dedicating space in some of its stores to recreating the Zellers shopping experience. Canadians across the country – in backwater burgs like Edmonton and oh-so hip cities like Toronto – lined up to be the first to be disappointed by the new Zellers. Other, smarter people, just waited for the next day.

The ultimate line-up story appeared in the New York Times this week.

There’s this singer named Taylor Swift, who is apparently quite a big deal. (I don’t know anything about her music, but according to the Times, one high school teacher who waited in line said she uses Swift songs like ‘The Man’ “to teach critical lenses and talk about the feminist lens versus the genderqueer lens.”) Demand for tickets to her tour crashed Ticketmaster (if anything deserves to be burned to the ground, it’s Ticketmaster). In Tampa, Fla. Miss Swift was performing for three nights at the stadium that is home to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers of the NFL, which seats 75,000. She will play in front of more fans than the Edmonton (cough,cough) ‘Elks’ will play in front of for an entire season.

Swift’s fans, known as Swifties, lined up by the thousands in the rain in the early morning hours. They weren’t lining up to get into the show; they lined up for the right to buy merchandize, things like non-descript hoodies for $65. Ticket holders could have waited to purchase ‘merch’ inside the venue, but word went out on TikTok that the lineups were bad. So they waited outside in the rain instead. Makes sense. (The people hired to sell the merch all wore Taylor Swift T-shirts that they had to fold up and resell the next day. “Isn’t that so gross?” the salesperson said.)

In defense of the line-uppers, I guess you could say there is something positive about the communal experience of sharing time with other people. Even when it’s doing something as stupid as waiting in line for a Zellers opening. 

But seriously, there have to be better ways to spend your time. And better ways to spend $5 than on a cookie.